Catherine’s Blog

45/365 I may have issues.

Originally uploaded by LPM

So, St Valentine’s Day, dislike it, move right along beside the fact Joyce had a lot of fun being the assistant in lighting this of the heart.
Nat and I have scoped out a number of craft markets and will be trying out luck at those next month. Hopefully we will do well.
Really, that is about it, I have spent a lot of time writing job applications, universities, councils and tourist parks. It is a little mad. I have some interesting choices with a large retail firm and university. I it is all a little mad really, quite stressful. I have applied for a number of jobs and worked hard at honing my applications into finely tuned things. I find the application writing hard, the proof reading is nigh impossible and I am thankful to the people who have proof read for me.
I am bored of not working but i am not going to take just anything right at this moment.

Today is a tale of two endings.

I have finished my job here at Westminster University; it has been a good place to work and a great experience. It has been stressful in the last four months but the last month the staff have been supportive.
I have learnt a lot and like working in the academic environment. I have made good friends on the staff and will miss them.

Anthony is moving out today. I am very sad it has come to this but I really did try and I still love him a lot. I really feel an anchor in my life has gone, his company and personality leave very large holes, it is like a death without a finality of a funeral. There is much more I miss about him than I don’t miss having to deal with. Having him in the house was a constant reminder that closeness had gone. I feel much more centred, now I know what direction I am taking, even though it is a direction I never thought I would go. I have always taken comfort in planning and things like that, so planning to go home has helped. My parents will be pleased to have me back.
At the moment my plan is to spend the next three weeks with my brother and his family. Then pack up the house and head home. Leaving about the 14th of October, I figure there will be a party of some sort for this. I will be living with my brother for a bit and then see what I can do, in the way of buying a home and new job.
Other things are I will be reverting to my maiden name and start a business without my married name in it. Suggestions being taken. Colonial to stay. I have a wedding dress, bouquet, photos and stuff and really have no idea what to do with them. As for removing my wedding ring… gah. I feel naked without it on as well as betraying promises I made.
I am not sure how I feel about our intertwined internet lives and will understand if friends and family decide to remove me from theirs. I have to think about this for a while longer I think. I am not sure what the healthy option is and how I will feel if if I am cut out of his life without being spoken about it. I don’t want to be communicating through lawyers.
All in all there are some lighter clouds on the horizon and I am keeping sort of together but this is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. At some point, facebook will have to be changed, and I will have to email people. Not things I relish, I really feel I have failed, that I missed something or could have done things differently. I know that is possibly not logical but I that is how it feels at the moment.
I just want to thank those people who have supported me (and Anthony) through out this, I really can’t tell you how important that has been to me

Lion’s Den

Originally uploaded by LPM

The highlights, good ones over the past couple of weeks have been really good.

On the Friday od last weekend I headed over to Pir’s and generally hung out, chatting and getting lots and lots of kitten hugs. Cats, love them.

I trundled off to meet Psyche at a picnic on the Saturday, it was very nice lounging around on Hampstead Heath eating and relaxing. That was a Saturday afternoon filled. The night was at home, flopping around the flat. I really had nowhere to go besides Slimelight and that was not that exciting for me.

Sunday I was going to sew but did not get much done, I ended up spending a lot of time with the next door neighbour and her singing students. It was a really nice day. I played mah jong which was great fun even though I had not idea what the conversation was about because it was all in Cantonese. I managed to win to hands and I was given quite a lot of praise for my playing style and learnt a few more tips and tricks as well some scoring techniques. I may get to play with them again! The photo is me playing!

Sunday night I came down with a bump. Not having Anthony to share this all with is very hard. I ended up chatting with Dave on skype and generally debriefing. It is odd chatting to people who know you well and before going out with Anthony.

Tuesday Psyche popped over for dinner, I repaired a shirt and she filled out important forms.  The other exciting discovery was that gem squash are nice fried.  Nicer than boiled in my opinion.

Wednesday night Ela came over and she watched as I cut out her dress for her. I have liked being able to share my sewing, having it not treated as a nuisance because of the mess it makes is lovely. I forget the ability to sew is a worth while skill and one I have worked hard on trying to master.

The weekend just been was a long weekend here in the UK.

Friday was very sad, not going to Aunt B’s funeral was very, very hard. I headed out on Friday to say farewell to Elle and Richard, they are heading back to New Zealand to look after Elle’s sick dad. I picked up a spare duvet and jacket for Anthony whilst there.

Saturday I pottered around the house for a bit before getting a new hairstyle. Then it was off to Hampstead Heath again for a picnic and Ellie’s hen do. There followed a pretty full on social day. We came back to mine and everyone got changed before heading out for dinner, followed by Vagabonds. It was a lovely night but yet again a large chunk was missing. I like going to Vagabonds with Anthony, he loves to dance and it is always a good night. I caught the night bus and that freaked me out, I really worry that no one will notice I am missing with no one at home and travelling on my own. Driving now feels like the safest option but that is not always helpful.

Sunday I pottered around home a bit but having go in late and sleeping badly meant I lost of my day through napping and general apathy for life. I sewed some of Ela’s dress and then pottered off to a house cooling, I did not spend that much time there, going before I got mopey.

Monday I went to gym and shopped for some little bits and pieces at brent cross shopping centre. Then Ela and Graeme came over and I sewed her dress whilst a picnic was made. We ate in the backyard and then I did fittings of the dress whilst bad movies played on the TV. Quite relaxing.

We then ate too much ice cream and then processed to dig up the dead tomatoes and stake the living tomatoes in the hope we get some form of tomato crop after the dreaded blight.

I only have a few more days here at work and then the family descends on me. Between now and then I hope the rest of my life has more idea what is happening and I am off to a wedding.

I have been rather quiet as I am finding the situation difficult.
 There have been some very down moments and some good stuff.

Good stuff:
I rearranged the furniture in the living room and the hallway of the flat.
I went out to black List and Inferno and had a really good night dancing with friends.
I have been fabric shopping and doing some sewing.
I have seen Moon the movie.
I went to Destruction, lovely chats.
I had people over on Saturday and we ate Pizza, watch bad telly and I sewed while they were there, it was good!  It was very relaxing and I even had terribly elegant work colleague over.
Sunday just been I had a photo shoot that was quite scary but great fun at the same time.  It was a fashion shoot and the models were very good, and I really liked how it went.  I have had a little peek at the photos but not a good go through yet.
I am starting to plan for Michael and Natalie’s arrival.
I have been out with the Goths a lot.  They have been really helpful and supportive.

I have been trying to keep busy.  At the moment I am looking for and applying for jobs back home.  I am working on worst case scenario because it seems to be the sensible thing to do.  I don’t want to but I have to be realistic.  This relationship rarely had anything to do with what I want, this is realisation has come to me recently.
Any way, I am hanging in there and hopefully in two weeks I will be a bit happier and not feeling as if I have had my heart ripped out.

I would love to tell you all about my really good weekend last weekend, it was lovely but things have become quite distressing since then.

Today is the five year anniversary since I met Anthony.  It was a good night.  Tonight for me is not so brilliant.

Anthony has decided he needs a break, from tomorrow he will be staying with friends for a month.  I am feeling very fragile about this all.  It is going to be a hard month.  This began on Monday night.

The timing sucks.

In slightly better news Aunt Barbara is to return to her retirement village’s nursing home unit on Monday.  this is a good thing.  she will have lots of friends to visit her there.

Happy anniversary

Originally uploaded by LPM

Anthony and I have been married for three years today. We have given each other leather presents (or in Anthony’s case PVC). I received leather shoes and gloves, two CDs as well as cards and paper with twee teddy bears!
After work, Anthony met me and we headed off to Ketteners, at the recommendation of my boss, it was lovely! That including French champagne, our celebration tipple of choice.

There was cake, good cake! (I know he does not look like he was having fun but he did honest, see the one below.)

Then I surprised him by taking him to see Les Miserables, which was lovely for my fourth and Anthony’s first time. Apparently it follows the book “at a fair clip”.

Sometimes it feels like yesterday we married sometimes if feels like thirty years. Still love the strange man.

Originally uploaded by LPM

Finished, completed and I am really proud of a few of these.
I have completed 52 weeks of taking photos of Anthony. I am very happy with the result. There are some bad ones but there are some lovely ones as well. I am tempted to do it again but for the moment this is enough.
thanks to Anthony for being patient and taking a lot of it in good humour.

For all the pictures, http://www.flickr.com/photos/cjsteele/sets/72157605432424149/detail/

It is the little things, I have said it before and will say it again.

Last night I went to the pub as I normally do on a Thursday, I get together with a group of London Goths off the web. We vote on the pub, but if it is your birthday you can choose the pub and pleasingly I chose a pub and lots of people attended. There were Everything2 people and work colleagues; it was great fun besides the very loud music. I got cards and all which was very sweet.

Today was a bummer because I could not find Jeans I liked. Humph.

I had a nap on the couch when I got back and Anthony gave me a surprise. He had bought duck eggs and blue goats cheese at the Borough Market. That is a little thing, but so thoughtful. I discovered duck eggs last week and tonight we had duck egg omelette with goats cheese. Divine!!! Oh, there were chives as well.  This is the little thing, four duck eggs, 35p each but thoughtful, knowing my love of cooking and how much I enjoyed the last eggs last week and because there was meat involved he had not had a chance to try it.

I also have found the most amazing photo of myself. Simon took this at Vagabonds, a club night, last month. I have not had such a lovely photo in a long time.  Thank you Simon.

So along with the photo, duck eggs we have opened one of the wines from Australia, tucked away for a special occasion. A Blue Pyrenees Late Harvest, yummy, full of home memories and love.

Not a bad start for my Birthday weekend.

contortion 7/52

Originally uploaded by LPM

Anthony has a new work computer. I have not managed a self portrait, yet. Opps.

This is part of the series I am taking of Anthony.

Today we have married for 2 years. Oddly London is slightly cooler in Summer today than it was in Cape Town in winter last year.

We are going out for dinner at a Michelin Star resturant which is exciting.